You made me cry and you don't even care
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Let's get the cat blown out
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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