The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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