"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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