Soap is not a condiment
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize