I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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