Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
