i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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