how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
