i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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