Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
