you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i think my tv is drunk
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
