the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
