what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
