I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize