My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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