He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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