matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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