i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
