my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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