I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
