Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
