Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
