walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
