the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
