i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
