i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Randomize
