id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
