i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
