Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize