Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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