I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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