after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
