So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
