can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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