Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
