Are we in a gay sports bar?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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