i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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