the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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