Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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