I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
