I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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