dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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