i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
