I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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