You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
