Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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