you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize