You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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