I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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