I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
