I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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