I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
