Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
