So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
