i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
