Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
