I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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