in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
