The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i need to put some appletini on your dick
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
