I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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