Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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