my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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