I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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