Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
