Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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