All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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