My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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