his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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